I was watching my sisters watching TV. I watched Randy Jackson, some guy from Aerosmith, and some chick judging American Idol. The Aerosmith guy and the woman both looked really fake and ugly. Randy looked normal but the words he said seemed fake and contrived for the purpose of the show. I watched the audience members as they laughed, cheered, and any other responses to the judges and the contestant. But I couldn't see myself relating to these people. Sometimes I wondered if the thousands of people in the crowd realized that the judges were symbols and not real people. That they're actors and actresses; that they're a company. In the same way that a psychiatrist diagnoses more drugs to patients they haven't gotten emotionally in contact with because they've been paid for by the drug company, the judges act in a way that the directors want them to.
I'm upset I cannot relate myself to these actors and I wonder if that's a problem I should be concerned with. I wonder if the people watching know this and mentally acknowledge it, but go along because it's fun. I don't find it fun, in the same way I don't find acting for speech team about something I'm insincere about isn't fun for me. This is a personal taste; for some reason I have a big problem with trying to convince people I'm someone I'm not, even when I'm doing it for something as intentional and appropriate as a speech competition. I want to be myself to all people at all times. I want my actions to be based on the same judgment system that I would regardless of the crowd of people around me. I want what I feel on the inside of my head while laying down in bed or in the shower to be what I express throughout the day at school. But I don't feel it like I do. I feel like I live in the moment and I'm just a machine reacting to stimuli. I feel like I'm Randy Jackson, saying things to appease people for the sake of money and fame.
The worse thing is I don't know if I'm like this or not. I can't carry a camera around taking into account my actions without reacting different because of the camera. I may be myself throughout the day, in fact, I may be a greater person that I believe myself to be, but I'm too self critical to acknowledge it. I feel like I should run decisions through a machine of "should I do this or not?" but then wouldn't I be systematic? Wouldn't I just be acting as the tan, highschool girl whose dad took her cell phone away for the week, in other words, fake?
It makes me wonder what life would be like if people weren't fake. I like when people are well groomed, smell nice, are clean and what not, but people take it too far to have to spend hours preparing what they look like, intentionally (or unintentionally) completely changing their decision making process depending on who's around her. What if people dressed like themselves, held the truth before emotion, and were sincere in what they said? I hate having to type that; I feel like the broken teenage girl that complains about a boyfriend who cheated on her. But I'm not a teenage girl and no one has cheated on me; I don't want fake people because I hate them. I can't relate to them. I don't even consider them human. They say Nazis were able to kill the other "races" because the Nazi government dehumanized the other "races" to make their killing seem like nothing more than the slaying of cattle. I can't develop normal relationships with these kind of people. I can't love people who beg to be accepted.
There are a hand full of people I know who are themselves around everyone, but that's a relative statement. What if someone isn't like that of how they act in their head? What my whole conception of a person's personality is based on a fake personality? How can I trust the people I know?
This probably seems rather nihilistic, and I admit I'm making things sound worse for me than they are. I'm not feeling well, about a lot of people. I look at the Homecoming pictures of this year and I hate most the people I'm standing by. These people; I don't think I ever knew them. I think I only knew what they wanted me to know of them. I think the problem here in on my end. I think my view of how relationships work and how friendship functions is skewed. Maybe I'm wrong- maybe Randy Jackson is being himself when he talks on American Idol. Maybe I am myself in front of others and the only reason I think I don't is critical analysis of myself. Maybe I should calm down; maybe I should just sit in front of the TV and absorb everything I hear and become one with the people who I feel so unrelated to. But I feel like if I associate myself, and try to change myself to fit these people, then in essence I'm surrendering my own will.
Thanks for reading.
